Dictator Does Doritos

I guess we are torturing them after all.

I’ll be the first to say it: Saddam Hussein’s prison conditions are indistinguishable from those of the Nazis, Pol Pot’s killing fields, Stalin’s gulags…or even that hell-on-earth, Camp Delta, Cuba.

The former Iraqi president is being executed slowly, his pancreas and liver murdered one corn chip at a time. Sure, he asks his captors to bring him a bag. But do the imperialist dogs have to be so cruel as actually to inflict the helpless man with their orange triangles of death?

It’s been a while since I’ve made a meal out of an entire bag of chips, but it’s hardly what one would call prison food. Especially for the likes of the ‘Butcher of Baghdad’.


Crunch all you want.
We’ll buy more.

Reports also tell us Hussein wipes his food tray and washes his hands quickly after being touched. He is described as a germ-phobe, but this is the first time in decades he’s had to eat his meals without the peace-of-mind of a food taster. The man has lived in fear of being poisoned.

Nonetheless, he polishes off a family size bag of nacho cheese flavor tortilla chips in ten minutes. Surprised he doesn’t suspect that the bright powder on his fingertips is ‘agent orange.’

It’s only a matter of time before so-called human rights advocates protest America’s cruel acts of junk food addiction being perpetrated on their prisoners. Perhaps Bob Geldof will campaign for a menu of alfalfa sprouts and tuna salad. At least slap the California warning label on the bag.

Asked a “drive-by caller” to the Rush Limbaugh show today:

“Who’s eating better these days on the island of Cuba? Guantanamo detainees or Elian Gonzalez?”